Woke up with the song “Make Me Whole” by Amel Larrieux on my mind. Probably because it was one of the last songs I heard on the Jill Scott station on Slacker radio last night. I have always liked this song. I think it’s a beautiful love song whether it be to a significant other, the Almighty or a loved one. It can spread across all relationships.
For months I have had a name that starts with the letter “M” pop in my head. I know a few men by the name and even dated a few. There are never any words that follow the name as it comes to mind. The first guy I dated with this name I liked a whole lot. Well I wouldn’t really call it dating. We met through work and we were drawn to each other. It started as innocent flirting than hearing about his life outside of work. Then on an outing we danced and had a good time. I recall sitting next to him and licking his face. He just looked at me and we continued to enjoy our night. I think I seen that on a movie or something either way I’d lick another face again. Needless to say I had some of the “devil’s pee” as my cousins call it that night. Vodka with cranberry juice if I remember correctly. I only remember because I am horrible at ordering drinks and ordered what someone I was there with ordered. We ended up spending the night together and from there we would enjoy each other sexually regularly and he was the first man I ever met that wanted to address my lack of orgasms. He talked to me about exploring myself more and that it was not ok to not fully be pleasured. Honestly, I figured I couldn’t have orgasms and it was a bodily defect. I remember dropping little gifts on his desk throughout our days at work. I recall him asking me why I kiss him so much? I’m a big kisser and I enjoyed kissing him. Time passed and eventually I had to move away. We never exchanged “I love you’s” but I did care about him. Plus, he had a live in girlfriend with a house, car, kids and even a dog. I knew we weren’t going anywhere and something about that was safe.
The second guy with this name I went on the best date in my life with. We went for drinks at a bar and he was like Norm in Cheers. He knew everyone. I loved the way he interacted with the people he knew. We talked about our past relationships, our faith and just what we wanted out of life. We followed that up with going to a lounge, smoking hookah and enjoying the atmosphere. We then went back to his place and watched Adventure Time. He was a fan of the show just as I was. We didn’t share each other bodies but we did engage in a kiss. Best date ever.
The last guy I knew the longest. We were friends for 12 years but dated for 4 months that led to the ending of our friendship. I thought this guy was who God wanted me to be with. Not because I was in love with him but because my family loved him and he was a good guy. One of the nicest I knew. He loved my son and we got a long pretty good. Yet after we dated things began to really change in his behavior. I noticed jealousy, insecurities and other issues that sprouted out of nowhere. When I tried to address them with him he would shut down or get very upset. It was as if he couldn’t talk to me anymore as you do with a close friend since we were dating. I soon realized we were not compatible. Not sleeping with him really helped make the situation clear for me. For I believe if I slept with him I would have felt obligated to try to make it work. I do miss how often we prayed together. He was such a nice guy & willing to dish out money. I am sure he’ll find a woman to be with him. I use to have to refuse money from him which I think upset him but like I mentioned before I am extremely independent and that includes taking handouts. I think this was his way of feeling like a man and I get it but paying for everything under the sun for me is not what makes a man, a Man.
There’s one more “M” name that I was drawn to even more than all the “M” names put together but the situation ended as fast as it started and what it showed me was that my heart can still beat at a fast rhythm without exercising and I can get excited enough to see someone that I begin to dance. As I go through my journey I decided to cut off all my Ex’s. Of course this was not too hard as I have cutting people out of my life down pack. So goodbye little black book, goodbye potentials, and goodbye to what I was attracted too and hello to self-love. Self-love excluding masturbating…this will be harder than cutting off all my Ex’s as I got an orgasm every single time. Goodbye Mr. Righty. I think about my Mom and how awkward she sounds when she mentions masturbating. I can tell the word is very uncomfortable for her to say when she speaks to me about it when referring to sin. Even though I discovered Mr. Righty later than most I always enjoyed our time together and he will be missed. Because this is me. This is JustTree