Lock the Door

I grew up with 2 sisters and 1 brother. Being the 3rd born to my parents. Right smack in the middle of a boy my older brother and a girl my little sister. Although, I has 2 sisters I have always found to relate to my brother more than anything. I remember wishing I was a boy. I preferred playing with my brother’s friends and climbing trees, building forts, playing with action figures. I remember when I tried to pee like a boy. I was maybe 10 or 11. Waaaay to old and I knew better. I stood in front of the toilet pushing my pelvis out a far as I could and started peeing. The worst thing happened. My brother walked in! He yelled at me closed the door and left. Needless to say it was extremelys2 embarrassing. Why the heck didn’t I lock the door? Why was it my brother who walked in to see me “trying” to pee like a boy? Luckily, my brother never mentioned the incident to me. Not even till this day.

I’ve become this extremely independent woman. Competing not against women they’ve never been worth it to me. I rather competed against men but not physically more intellectually. I’m sure this has played a major role in the relationships I’ve had not working out. I have incorporated becoming more feminine in my journey. Because I have developed a very dominating, masculine demeanor. Sadly, I currently work around 99% males; have a son and plenty of platonic male friends. I’ve just always related to men on a different level. Have I experienced intimacy with a woman before? Nothing past 13 yrs. old. That wasn’t because I was attracted to women however. My sexual appetite was activated at a young age and so it led to what was nearby. Girls. That’s another story for another post. So I’m surrounded by men but wanting to get back to being what God made me which was a woman with curves, soft voice, nurturing spirit and emotions; oh the roller coaster of emotions…freaking hormones, intuition, mother wit and all that jazz. After a few months of working around all these men I stopped wearing makeup. Then I stopped wearing perfume. Now I have gone to wearing the same 3 jeans and company logo t-shirts 5 days out of the week. Very comfortable but also very basic and I’ve allowed it to pull from my beauty, my feminine assets. If I change the way I dress drastically the men will notice at work. I wear what I want on the weekends but everyone knows when you have a 9-5 since most of your time is spent at work your fashion tends to center around it. The men at my job notice subtle changes like when I started using coconut products in my hair. One peer said he smelled coconut and he loves the smell of it. I didn’t tell him it was me. Or if I pull my hair back I get compliments on changing my hair. Or if I do decide to wear perfume there’s talk of the aroma filling the building. Trust me when I say I don’t bathe in perfume. A tab on the wrist, neck and sometimes behind my knees if my legs are exposed. So I did a few things unseen and for my eyes as only. I forgot how I found out about them but I discovered Yoni eggs. Learned about their healing power and connection to spiritual discovery. Being in the womb of a woman and connecting the unforeseen dots. Sounded about right. So I purchased the Bloodstone and Rose Quartz. Then I recall hearing about waist beads on Facebook. A girl posted a picture of herself naked with her back to the camera sitting criss cross on the floor with her dreads flowing down her back and her waist beads exposed. How beautiful it looked to me. So I read up on waist beads. I watched a few YouTube videos and seen that they aren’t to be seen by anyone but your significant other. Sounded about right. So I purchased some and I haven’t taken them off since. I also did one more thing but this was more of a Christmas gift to myself. I have a secret love affair with piercings. I pierced my nipples. I did research on this as well but more on the pain factor and healing time. After I got them I did more research on if there was some meaning behind pierced nipples? I learned that some of the tops that woman wore in the 14th century exposed their nipples and so they pierced their nipples and it became an accessory. Like wearing earrings or a bracelet. All these things aren’t going to change me into a graceful, soul glowing, feminine woman I desire to be overnight. However, when viewing my body I feel beautiful, sexy, feminine, secretive, empowered by making my own choices and a little naughty. No regrets as of yet and my nipples are healing quite well. Unlike the nose ring and belly button I got in college. I actually got keloids from those piercings. Luckily they went away. So I am happy with where I am headed. Because this is me. This is JustTree.

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