I have this great perception of being a very level-headed person to most of the people in my circle. I am quite responsible, giving, considerate, loyal and I would consider myself to give great advice. Then there are those people in my circle who have spent time with me allowing me to peel my layers back and be completely exposed. These people are the ones that when I get around them my words spill out like diarrhea. I literally spaz out when around them. With these chosen few I cry. Not like a little tear here & there cry but full on snot, eyes won’t stop leaking, voice shaking cry. I also don’t hold back on my thoughts. They get to hear the good, the bad, the hateful, the worse of the worse and if they shoot any cliché statements at me during this time my tongue of fire lashes at them. Usually I can restrain myself against cliche statements but honestly I hate them. That is why them having an understanding of who I am is so important. As these chosen few when realizing I am in this state become completely selfless. No matter what I say or how I say it there is no offense taken. It is such a great release. Luckily I don’t have these moments often and one of my friends when I do says something like, “alright it’s that time of the year again. Let me have it.” It’s greatly appreciated.
I am not one to be close to a lot of family. When I am around a select few I feel comfortable but when around my seniors and youngin’s I find myself reverting to that child who only seen their cousins over the holidays after reaching 13 yrs old and you feel like a complete stranger. No matter how much we favor with our nose and facial expressions. So I have a way of making the people I meet in my life family. It goes past, “I like them a lot” and goes down the road of, “that’s my girl and I lover her”. This is something that bothers my sisters very much. We didn’t grow up to be close and I don’t see why I have to miss out on great friendships and bonding with other women due to that fact. I did go through moments in my life where I tried my best to bond with my sisters. That wasn’t until my late 20’s so maybe they consider it to be too late. I started telling them my business if you will, giving advice, trying to come off accepting when they shared stories with me. However, somehow they would always bring their thoughts about our Mother into the conversation. Pointing out how much I was like her but not in a good way but more of an insult. They both carry deep rooted issues with my Mother. I am very protective of my Mother so you won’t get very far with negative opinions regarding her. My older sister said I missed my chance to have a relationship with her in college. I guess she tried to connect with me more after I left home and she made it seem as if I brushed her off. I say “guess” because I don’t remember. I was 18 yrs old and away from home for the first time so I guess I was a jerk and didn’t have time for her. She let me know she is bitter about it. My little sister told me when I was 5 yrs old I told her I didn’t like her. She let me know she was bitter due to that. So with all my adolescent meanness it pushed them together and they pushed me out. I did apologize for the behavior and expressed my thoughts on them needing to let it go (logical thinker coming out) as it has been over a decade. However, some wounds cut deep and some people prefer to never get stitches but pick at the scab over & over releasing the pain. So it’s led me to create deep friendships with those non-related to me. I figure one day when we’re older my sisters will truly be able to forgive me and hopefully we can have a good relationship. It actually sucks because the one sister who lives next to me constantly accuses my son & I of mischief in her and her kids life.She makes me feel like I have to prove my love and acceptance for her over and over and over again. When she has it by default. I’m pretty tired of it and enjoy having her and the kids around but a person can only take so many character attacks. Whether blood or water. So I decided to dry up the relationship and like a band-aid without neosporin stop the bleeding. I’m sure in time I’ll rip off the band-aid put some cocoa butter on the scar and we’ll forget it ever happened. I have come to learn to forgive quite easily and it may be due to my bad memory but it helps. Because this is me. This is JustTree