Sun not Included

I consider myself to be pretty bold in the things that I want to do. However, I can be lame when it comes to putting myself out there in being accepted by a guy I like. On New Year’s night I had a blast with great friends and family. Then that morning I awake to a dream about someone I had briefly gotten to know but cut the interest short. It was odd that I would even think of this person as on New Year’s Eve night 30 mins before it officially became 2017 I threw a list of things I did not want to bring into 2017 from 2016 into my friend’s fireplace. One of the things on the list was not talking to any of my Ex’s. The thing is this guy is not an Ex. We never even dated. We did bump pelvises though. Not my proudest moment but it happened. We chatted a few times after that and a huge miscommunication led to us having a fall out. He never contacted me and I never contacted him. So to have this dream about him was like…really? Of course I pushed it out my mind and continued throughout my day. Then the next night I have a dream about him again! What the heck is going on? Ugh, I hate when my unconscious mind brings things back to me that I feel I’m over. I mean what was I supposed to do? I don’t even know this guy. Wshininge are practically strangers and I am not lusting for him in any way. Since dealing with him I’ve dated other guys, nice guys. Sadly I don’t feel any chemistry with them but I’m putting myself out there and eventually maybe I’ll look at one of these awesome guys and the sun will shine just right on their face and I’ll think, “I like him! I really like him.” I’m assuming this hasn’t happened as it’s been pretty rainy in Atlanta. It is the winter time and the sun hasn’t been shining as much as it usually does. Right?

Any who, so my old roommate from college calls me and we’re catching up about holidays, family and of course our scene in the dating life. She tells me about this guy she’s crushing on that shows promise and I tell her about my failed attempts at trying to get the sun to shine just right on some guy, any guy in hopes that I like him. Then I tell her about “the fling.” How with “the fling” I danced when I knew I was going to see him. How comfortable I was with him and how I honestly wouldn’t even want him as a cut buddy because we have so much in common. I think it’d do us an injustice not to go for something more. I then tell her about the falling out. She could totally see where I was coming from. Then she did it…She agreed with some of his comments and even said she was going to steal an analogy he used to explain my behavior which he felt was childish.  She said I should call him and tell him I didn’t like the way things ended and see what happens. It wasn’t as if I felt chemistry with anyone else anyway and since we’re in our 30’s it’s time to stare possible rejection in the eye and say YOU DON’T OWN ME! I cringed at the thought of putting myself out there in this type of way. Like heck to the naw. I am not the type of woman to call a guy up with some, “How are you?” and she was right I did date other guys and no one, not one did I feel chemistry with like I did with ‘”the fling.” She proceeded to say she knew I’d be a punk and not do it. I would but texting is more of my style. That way a person would be forced to see my message. As long as I got out what I wanted to say I’d be good. Yet, with a call there’d be a 50/50 chance to have a two-way conversation. That is terrifying for me when I possibly could get rejected. I told her I’m no punk and will let her know how it goes.  I also tell her I hadn’t spoken to him since November. Not late November but early November and maybe it wasn’t worth it. It’s been 2 months for goodness sakes. She then says, “Yea’ he ain’t thinking about you girl!” I tell her, “See that’s why I shouldn’t call.” She says, “Wait how long you been thinkin’ about him?” I tell her since January 1st, it hadn’t been long. She says, “Yea you should call. You dated other guys and you haven’t connected with any of them. Give it a try.” So I retrieve his number from my backed up SMS in my Gmail because of course I deleted it right after we last spoke. I take a deep breath and call. It doesn’t ring but goes straight to voicemail.  Okay, what am I supposed to do now? Text? I pull a stalker move, grab my work phone, change the voicemail greeting (yes, doing too much at this point) and call.  Phone rings and he picks up. I hear his voice and I hang up! I mean what am I to say? Uh, hi…no anything at this point would be weird. I knew it was already weird but he didn’t need to know that. So I’m BLOCKED….He blocked me. I actually started laughing because I’ve never been blocked by a guy before although I’ve done it countless times. I’ll call back from my personal phone but decided to let the stalker call sit for a bit. I go take a shower thinking of what I can say that won’t sound lame, dumb or crazy. After I have it down, I finish rinsing off; grab my towel and call.

“Hi____, straight to voicemail? That’s a new one. If you have a moment…and you’re over it give me a call. If you have a moment and you’re not over it I think that stills warrants for you to call me. Either way man Happy New Year.”

I did it! I really called a guy back in an attempt to see if the chemistry I felt with him is real or if I was just really horny and after sharing my body I felt obligated to reach out. I don’t think it’s the latter as the chemistry I felt seems to be genuine and I’ve felt drawn to him from the first time meeting him. Maybe he’ll call back? Maybe he won’t? I didn’t give my name in the voicemail and I’m certain he doesn’t know my voice. At this point I feel good about it as it was a one-way conversation which is like a text. Because this is me. This is JustTree.


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