As Ice Cubes, “It Was A Good Day” plays in my head I start to think about how good today will be. I am in the middle of a cleansing and that includes not listening to certain types of music, watching only inspirational or educational movies, eating healthy and not engaging in toxic conversations. Last night I watched a movie called, “The Mask You Live In.” It spoke about boys and the pressure they have behind not being able to show emotions; amongst other things. They have to hold it all in and when they do express themselves through crying or speak of their feelings they are called sissies or worse. I tend to watch things like this to better understand my son. We have a good relationship but the truth of the matter is I am not a man. No matter how much I wrestle with him, throw the football around; tell him he’s great it’s not coming from a man. It’s coming from Mommy. After watching the movie it did not just help me understand the pressure he may experience. It helped me put some things into perspective when it comes to the men I have dated. Some of them broken, hurt and hopeless at some point. It makes me wish I would have been more patient and supportive. Yet, everything happens for a reasons and I am about moving forward not backward (unless it is to mend an unhealed wound). After the movie I took some anointing oil went into my son’s room and rubbed it on his forehead and prayed over him. I’m not going to wait until my son gets in trouble to pray for him. He rolled over; eyes still closed and I kissed him on the left temple whispering in his ear, “I love you”. I then thought about being more in tune with my own emotions and expressing them. I decided to insert my Rose Quartz yoni egg into my womb, said my prayers and drifted off to sleep.
That night I dreamt of talking to my older sister. We were in the backseat of a car. Her husband was sitting between us with her son on her lap. I was telling her how I wanted to be in my nephew’s life. How I’m crazy about my nieces and nephews. I want a relationship with them and want them to know me. I expressed how even though we are not close due to what she told me it’s not too late. That we still had a chance to build something together. My alarm goes off and I wake up in a good mood yet I roll over anyway giving myself another 5 minutes. Why break tradition now. Thinking back to the dream I know I have an issue with how our relationship is. I could feel the true desire of what I wanted to share with my sister and family as a whole. I go into my son’s room wake him up and prep his clothes. I then head downstairs and get the rest of the things he needs for school. As we stand outside at the bus stop I say,
“Remember when I told you that you shouldn’t cry?”
He says, “Yes.”
I say, “Well there’s nothing wrong with crying. Now don’t cry about everything but if you’re happy and full of joy you can cry. If you’re sad or mad it’s ok to cry. Boys cry too.”
He says, “Girls can cry too right?”
I say, “Yes, girls can cry too. You’ve seen Mommy cry.”
He says, “Yes, I’ve seen you cry when you pray to Jesus.”
I laugh. “Yes and your Dad was so happy when you were born that he cried. He was so happy to see you. It gave him joy.”
I then tell him that no matter what he does he will always be a boy and nobody and nothing can take that away from him. I then go through A, B, C’s with him pairing it with a word. “X is for X-Ray, Y is for Yo yo, Z is for Zebra.” I also do a spin on “The Help”. You are handsome, you are smart, you are funny, you are a good boy, you are good at school. As a parent I won’t always get it right but I’m going to do everything in my power to try. I don’t expect my son to be like me or his dad. However, what I desire is for him to be like is himself and be perfectly happy about it. Because this is me. This is JustTree.