COULDA, WOULDA, SHOULDA

I have a date this weekend. A date with someone I have grown a liking too. When I speak to him I never want the conversation to end. I find myself thinking about him throughout my day. I find myself being very open with wanting to share brokenmy thoughts, experiences and life with him. And this…this scares the heck out of me. If he only knew how damaged I was. I have met some really nice guys that I believe would make some great life partners. Yet, I can’t see myself settling down with any. Now here I meet this guy and I actually like him and I want to cancel our date. Why? Because I want to tell him too much. Because I want to see him often. Because I feel exposed and vulnerable with him. Leaving me open for not only the good with acceptance but the bad with rejection.I’m just another person who got hurt and feels like being repaired is beyond my reach. I was really hurt in my last relationship that I now literally feel broken. Like I’m damaged. I don’t even have any resentment towards the guy who hurt me. It happened, it sucked, I really cared about him and I do believe in the end he cared about me. Now any time I think of this new guy and how great we could be I think of wanting to push him away. I can’t get hurt again. I don’t think I can go through it. I tell my friends how hard it is for me to meet a guy I like. How hard it is for me to meet a decent stable guy. But in reality I’ve met a guy I like and I am scared out my mind of screwing things up. I’m scared of being lifted to the clouds then dropped to the ground. I’m scared of having a Man hold my heart then not only drop it but kick it too. It’s like I can either deal with a guy who treats me right but I don’t like and feel safe or deal with a guy I’m scared out my mind of dealing with because I can get hurt due to me liking him. Yes, you can get hurt by both but one cuts deeper than the other. The logical answer would be to go the safe route with a guy I don’t like but treats me well. Settle. But I wouldn’t tell my sister to settle. I wouldn’t tell my friends to settle and I wouldn’t tell my son to settle. I know how my heart can be and when I’m in, I’m all in. That’s until I get hurt repeatedly by the same person. I for one know that when you remain in an unhealthy relationship you start to believe the behavior within it is normal. You start to accept it. You start to become use to it. Like I stated it becomes the norm. So I know better than to stick around when I see a relationship going in that direction. Now I sit here ready to text, “I can’t make it Saturday,” because I’m scared my like will turn into something else leaving me way too vulnerable. Too exposed. Too weak. Which is too risky. I sometimes wish I was naive to how it feels to have had a broken heart. Then I’d be ready to just have fun and not think about the coulda, woulda, shoulda of a situation that has not even occurred. Once you know the dangers of swimming in a shark invested ocean. How can anyone expect you to jump in? I am sure my overhinking is taking a lovely ride on the rollercoaster of my mind but at the moment this is my thought. Because this is me. This is JustTree.

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4 thoughts on “COULDA, WOULDA, SHOULDA”

  1. I’m pretty excited for you to go on this date!! Your feelings might change!! It’s so exciting. If it were me I would go into it with an open mind.

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