I tried to tie the corner of the sheet around the knob securing it as best as possible. I figured I would throw the other half over the door. I was about 6 yrs. old so I wasn’t tall enough for my feet to reach the floor if I tied it around my neck. I wanted to commit suicide and this was how I thought I could accomplish it. However, I could never get the sheet tied just right. At this age I had a nasty temper and I remember how my siblings and I would miss the city bus from school so we would walk home. I could never hold my pee and it felt like as soon as I stepped onto the apartment property I would pee on myself. It happened every time. As I got older my anger remained and silence kicked in. I didn’t want to talk unless around certain people. I had a bad attitude. I recall when I was in the 5th grade I was put in a class where I had to express my feelings. We got to eat treats and there were other kids in the class. I felt like we played most of the time. Now that I’m older I can see that I had behavioral issues. I use to get kicked out of class and I recall my 6th grade teacher telling me that being pretty wasn’t the only way I was going to make it through life. That I had to learn and be smart. I totally didn’t even zone in on the “learn” and be smart part. The part I zoned in on was “pretty”. People didn’t call me pretty. It made me feel good to hear an adult say it. Unfortunately, I still acted out here and there throughout my school days. I was awkward and didn’t want to mature as fast as some of my other counterparts. As a child I seen, experienced and heard things that I was not ready to hear. So when the opportunity came for me to be a kid I embraced it. I remember a boy telling me how everyone changed once they got into junior high but I remained the same. It didn’t bother me one bit.
By 9th grade I had an, “I hate the world” type of attitude. I remember having a friend in the 10th grade that had a dislike for the environment around her as well. We use to share a notebook writing down all the ways we could kill ourselves. I remember running from my house to her apartments to exchange it back and forth. I liked having someone to share my dark thoughts with. Even though I had some great friends in 9th grade I didn’t share these thoughts with them. They were so youthful, so pleasant and this was not something they should have been exposed too. In 12th grade I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend about wanting to commit suicide. He freaked out. We were sitting in the car & I remember him shouting and turning on the car starting to drive. I asked where he was going? He said he was going to get me help! I laughed at him. I had been dealing with this for so long that whatever intervention he wanted to have was not going to help. I can’t say that I had a happy childhood like I hear about in movies. I was miserable, sad all the time, overly sensitive and felt like, nobody, I mean nobody understood me. I did have happy moments though. Like building forts, playing castles, cuddling with my mom, long drives with my Dad stuff like that. But I got teased a lot and not just at school but by members of my family as well. I didn’t see the point of living. As I got older I felt that if I did commit suicide it would only hurt my Mother. She would feel like a failure and people would probably blame her for my death. Even though it was MY decision and MY issues.I couldn’t hurt her in that way so I decided to stick around. Now I decide to stick around because life is hard for everybody. Whether it’s physically, mentally, emotionally, financially take your pick. If you can get brought to it. You can get through it. I learned at a young age that monsters are real and do sleep under the bed. Blood is thicker than water but blood isn’t always as flexible and everyone who smiles, jokes and plays around a lot are more often the ones hurting the most.
In 12th grade I was at my friend’s house and upset about something. So I started to speak against God. Saying how He didn’t love me. How He didn’t care. My friend heard me and stopped me from going any further. She told me how much God really did love me and how He wanted the best for me. Even thinking about that moment now brings tears to my eyes. It was as if for the first time I really felt that anyone heard me. Two years later I gave my life over in college. I felt this friend brought me to the water and when it was my time I was ready to drink. I can’t say my life got a whole lot better but it did get a whole lot bearable. Believe it or not for me that made all the difference. Because this is me. This is JustTree