I was talking to a friend the other day and we were discussing the dilemma of dating. An age-old dilemma that appears to get worse the older you get. She is dating several men and feels that some do not give her as much attention as others. So she is looking to demand more attention from the ones not giving as much because they are the ones she “likes” more. Now when I heard this I started to ask her questions such as, “Are you ready for a relationship?”, “Do you like him more because he’s not giving you the attention you want”, “Do you think you’re attracted to be in relationships with men who eventually the relationship won’t work with rather than men you know it will work with?” I asked these questions because she & I have discussed her not being ready for a relationship. I believe some of us even me tend to lean towards men who we know we don’t really have a future with. Why? It’s because we’re not ready for the real thing so we lean towards men who cannot give it to us. Knowing that man isn’t good for us today, tomorrow or months from now deep down because we get red flags. We choose to ignore them. This is probably why men often tell some women, “You don’t know what you want!” I told my friend that by demanding more attention from these men they may believe that she is serious about them and interested in a relationship. I asked what if they say they want to take it to the next level. Then what? You’ll have to renege on all the time and attention you demanded from them because you really don’t want it. Yet, I’ve done it, she does it, I have friends, male and female who do it and it sucks. To allow someone to give you attention that you know you’re not ready to give back is unfair. The best thing to do is just be honest. That however will leave the door open to the person you’re dating to walk away but if you’re not ready, you’re not ready.
When I was younger I didn’t quite understand not being ready. I was once told by a guy I was dating he wasn’t ready. Of course that’s not what I wanted to hear. I felt like we were practically already together and I wanted the title. So I persuaded him into making it official with a title. Sad I should have known then if I have to persuade a guy to be together than I sure shouldn’t expect to ever get a ring. Any who, I noticed he became very lazy when it came to our relationship. We went from fun conversations every day to mediocre ones. He wasn’t in a rush to see me anymore. Of course I could feel him pulling away so when I addressed it he told me he felt like he wasn’t ready and that I pressured him to be with me. I told him that we should break up. I didn’t want anyone with me who really didn’t want to be. He told me that we were already together so we should keep it going. I eventually broke it off with him. We talked off and on for 3 years after that. I soon gained the reputation of being the woman who wouldn’t stick around with him. I could never quite catch my confidence with him. I could never catch me acceptance of him loving me. I could never dissolve my paranoia that he wanted to be with someone else. Now that I am older I wish I would have just listened to him when he told me he wasn’t ready. I find myself in the same situation on the other end more often than not. I totally get that you can’t rush a person. When they’re ready, they’re ready, when they’re not, they’re not. If you force it you will only play yourself. There’s literally nothing you can do about it but accept it or walk away. At my age men are talking about marriage and babies. I felt like I was married before. I have my baby. So I’m in no rush for those things. I just want to take my time with it. Really get to know a man past all the surface stuff and that takes time. Only problem is the older you get the harder it is to have your attention held and hold another’s. So many ways to connect with people through social media. Picking someone up and throwing them away when you’re done is normal. Eh, I’ll keep taking it one day at a time. Because this is me. This is JustTree.