SAD TO SAY

So it’s been a while since I’ve written. It’s like every time I felt a little urge it was wasn’t strong enough for me to want to put my thoughts down. I started my journey in discovering me at the beginning of the year and now I’m coasting through it. I’ve been practicing breathing through irritating and annoying situations and it has helped tremendously. Work; breeze through, my health; breeze through, family; breeze through. I think the only thing sad to say that I even really put much effort towards was dating…Why did I do that? It has left me drained. From the guy who had no conversation at all but acted like we had some deep connection. To the guy who told me he couldn’t talk to a woman with male friends and as he put it, “a babies daddy.” Yet he constantly texts and calls me hoping we’ll work out.

The crazy thing is the guy that I genuinely liked told me to erase his number. Why? Well earlier that day I told him I wanted him to respond to my calls & texts within at least an hour and not to wait days to respond. He agreed and started calling & responding to texts immediately. He called me that same night and I was on the other line with a guy to be honest and I didn’t answer. This guy was needing closure and I was trying to give it to him by letting him pour out his heart, vent and I was hoping to do the, “You’re a great guy but I’m not the one for you” speech. So that call ran long and after I called him back he said,” So you want me to do what you won’t do?” I didn’t even try to explain. I went on some weird rant feeling guilty and about 10 minutes after getting off the phone I get the text, “Erase my number. Thank you.”Life How polite and straight to the point. I on the other hand called him and texted him that night being silly not taking it seriously and the rest is history just like our potential relationship. I told my co-worker and friend about him so every few days I’m asked if I’ve talked to him yet. The thing is I really did erase his number. Not immediately but about 2 weeks later. The guy isn’t contacting me so obviously whatever I felt did not go both ways. And you know what it really sucks. Did I mention he also lives in another state? So really what’s the use? I mean I really liked him but maybe the reason this situation is bothering me so much is because it’s affecting my ego. I even thought maybe I have abandonment issues? Like does this have to do with not having my Dad around a lot while growing up? Why am I self –diagnosing? I’ve had a similar situation where I just stopped hearing from a guy once before without reason and that rolled off me effortlessly. Yet, this situation has me Googling advice on what to do. Continue with the “No Contact” rule or just call him and see if he picks up? I even went as far as to write a pros and cons list about him. What was the goal in doing this? The goal was to let logic out rule everything else in why I’m wasting my time thinking about him. It’s not like I’m in love or we had this great explosive sex and I’m hooked.  Unlike the many other comments and articles I’ve read on people going through a similar situation I know for a fact I don’t “feel” like I need him. Nor do I feel lost or worthless like no one will want me. Either way I’ll live and quite happily may I add. A part of me feels like it’s worth fighting for. I want to live with as little regrets that I have in my power to control as possible because life is way too short to look back and say, “what if?” Because this is me. This is JustTree.

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